As a child, I grew up with a close family. Death was always lurking in the background but never did it hit so close to home. When my grandfather died (almost 3 years now) I felt an unbearable pain, I was overwhelmed with a flowing stream of emotion. I was never really close to my grandfather but knowing and realizing he was never again going to be there for those Sunday brunches really did upset me.
When dealing with death you have to realize that the one person that has died, will never do what they once did. What do you do when the person who dies is an innocent newborn who has never been able to experience everything you have; when the newborn is suffering the whole 12 hours he was alive, what do you tell the mother?What do you tell yourself when you hear the news that your newborn godson/nephew has died?
So many questions unanswered. So many doubts and desires we have. The desire for the baby boy to be alive. He was so tiny, yet he was alive and well, breathing with his ten little toes and ten little fingers, the baby we have so much unconditional love for was taken with no remorse.
I understand the saying "GOD does everything for a reason" and believe me I know "He's in a better place now" because I know that the short time he was alive on this earth he was suffering. Would be so selfish of me to say if only he were alive today?
I can't help but think "If only". I can say i'm past the shock stage but i can't get past the fact that I will never watch him grow up, I will never be able to tell him stories of me and his mother growing up, the silly things she would have gotten upset for when he did them. No first word, no first step.
All the little things that could of gone wrong, went wrong. My niece (his mother) was never able to carry her first born child in her arms and now she has to deal with the pain of loosing a child and no memory of the experience of her child in her arms. She will carry it with her for the rest of her life and she's so young (about to turn 17) that i'm scared for what's next.
I wish this was a nightmare that I could wake up from and everything would be okay. But it's not and i have to deal with reality, yet i don't want to.
It's hard to face my niece because i have to be strong for her, when i look down and i don't see her pregnant tummy, it reminds me that this nightmare is what i saddly call life. It's hard to believe that it's been a week since it happened and i still can't process it.
I like to think of him as an angel sent by GOD to guide us. He's our little guardian angel and there is not one day that has gone by that i don't think of him
